Vanda James is the head of Birketts' award-winning South East Family Law Team, with 30 years’ experience of family law issues.
Below, she outlines some strategies to keep a divorce as amicable as possible and avoid common footfalls.
Q: Me and my spouse have come to the difficult decision to get divorced after 15 years of marriage. We jointly own our property and have one son who is 12. I have seen friends go through awful times when they have separated and want to avoid this. Do you have any advice on how to have a ‘good’ divorce, as both of us wish to keep things amicable for everyone’s sake?
A: I have no doubt that making the decision to divorce after such a long time together is probably one of the toughest you will ever make and with the breakdown of a relationship, it naturally comes with a sense of loss, causing anxiety and worry.
There are steps you can take and strategies you can put in place to help manage the transition with kindness and respect which will, hopefully, ensure a positive outcome for you all.
The end of a marriage doesn’t have to be acrimonious, and I am a great believer in helping couples resolve their differences for the benefit of the family as a whole. Despite the divorce horror stories that we may hear about, there is such thing as a ‘good’ divorce and I am an advocate of trying to resolve matters amicably, where possible.
First and foremost, self-care and prioritising your wellbeing is vital. Your son is likely be the top of your priority list right now, but make sure you are a very close second.
Never underestimate the importance of emotional support from friends, family or even a counsellor as they will be able to provide a safe space for you to express your emotions and thoughts. While friends and family will have your best interests at heart, they will want to protect you and might not be neutral.
This can cause difficulties. Talking to someone impartial can offer valuable perspective and help you process your feelings. There are some really good divorce coaches whose role it is to help you move through the process and will help you focus on communications with your spouse to minimise conflict.
You should avoid using your divorce lawyer as a counsellor – their role is to guide you through the divorce itself, the arrangements for your son, obtain and advise on the financial position and reach a settlement which can then be incorporated into a legally binding court order.
Using them to offload emotions is costly and not a good way to spend your money. As things change try to maintain open, honest and respectful communications with your spouse and always try to keep your word if you have agreed to do something.
The more you can discuss and agree, the better the outcome for you as a family and you will save on legal fees. When looking for a divorce lawyer, ask friends and family for a recommendation and if they don’t know anyone, contact Resolution which has around 6,500 members all of whom are family specialists committed to the constructive resolution of family breakdown.
Court should always be the last resort so if you find that conversations with your spouse have not been as successful as you hoped, you may wish to consider mediation whereby an independent third party will help guide the discussions. However, mediators cannot give legal advice. If mediation is not suitable, solicitor-led discussions dealt with collaboratively are an option and this would involve you each instructing a collaboratively trained solicitor who will work with you, your spouse and their solicitor in four-way meetings to help you find a solution and reach agreement.
Things will take time and there will be ups and downs, but there will be an end point and your lives will move on, not as spouses but you will be co-parents for the rest of your lives and having a ‘good’ divorce will enable you to attend your son’s milestones together as he moves through his own life.
Vanda has nearly 30 years’ experience and is an expert in all aspects of family law including divorce, cohabitation and children cases. She specialises in complex financial cases and has notable expertise in international child relocation and other highly sensitive matters. Vanda’s approach includes providing clear advice and a strategic way forward. She also regularly advises upon and drafts pre-nuptial and post-nuptial agreements.
Vanda James
Vanda has been a trained collaborative lawyer since 2006 and is a member of Resolution.
She has been ranked in legal directories Legal 500 and Chambers UK consistently for the last 17 years. The 2024 edition of Chambers states “Unarguably, Vanda is one of the strongest matrimonial finance solicitors in Kent”. Another solicitor says “She’s approachable and responds very effectively to achieve a favourable outcome for her clients. She’s an absolute pleasure to work with”.
Vanda is the former President of Kent Law Society and was also identified in 2023 as one of the top 10 pioneering family lawyers transforming matrimonial law in Kent by Business Today.
For more information, visit birketts.co.uk/vanda-james or call 01732 904767.
